African.Beautiful.Me.

Twenty Ten

AfricanGirl — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:27:00 GMT

Twenty-ten, we're here. I lost count on how many times I heard people express just how ready they were for 2009 to END ALREADY!

I know I'm a month late but Happy New Year to all!

I miss blogging. I need to blog more but I guess I get my fix from FB and twitter.

I wanted to share the lovely shift I have noticed with the new year.

Something started in my life somewhere in 2008 and carried all throughout 2009. I was a basket case of emotions. I felt very much like that little toy boat with no sails in a never ending sea. I was existing and loving and being Mama and wifey but feeling very much like an empty shell. And any little thing turned into CRISIS central. I was awfulizing something terrible.

I've done some soul searching and come to the realization that a lot of that toy boat feeling came from not feeling like a part of some bigger picture. I hate this but the truth is I love to work and feel like a part of an organization. I thrive from feeling like my contribution, no matter how small is for the greater good of something. So when that was pulled from under me I simply fell apart. I tried to fill the space with things that I thought mattered but the truth is the truth and honey when that sucka wants to be known, it gnaws at your soul until you pay attention to it.

Then I hated myself for not taking the golden opportunity of becoming my own boss and paving my own way. Why not just work on my writing and make it work for me? But no I want to be an editor of something bigger than me. *sigh* And then the even bigger disappointment...why not put all my energy into my kids and this little family I have created? Talk about feeling like a sucky mother! When we work we feel like its taking away from the kids and when we don't work we feel like we're not whole enough for our kids. Catch 22 until the end of time dot com!

So that's where I was...trying to find my footing in this new unemployed life/trying to write my book and not loving it life.

Having the worst health of all my years of living didn't help matters none but what can you do?

Yes, what can I do?

That's what happened in 2010. The first crisis came soon after the new year and the most amazing thing happened. I did not panic, did not cry, did not sulk, did not go inward into the trusted "woe is me" shell. This was huge! Lets just call it monumental cause girl it was! I am the girl whose middle names should be worry and crumble. The crisis comes via a phone call from my amazing husband and the news he brings is crushing financially but I inhale then exhale and say, "oh well."

That's it. My mind doesn't rush and start thinking of how to rectify the situation. In that moment I realize that I am one person and there is only so much I can do. The world will not spin off of it's axis because of this and my worrying about it won't end world hunger.

And what is even cooler is that after I utter "oh well" my marvelous husband laughs and says, "You won't believe this but that's exactly what I said too!" Man, I love this fool.

So for 2010 and beyond I am just chill and chile this shit feels good.

My people, my people

AfricanGirl — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 01:57:00 GMT

~ And Lord sometimes I get tired and I get weak. And Lord sometimes I get so sad I can't speak. And Goddess sometimes I be asking what it's all for? Goddess sometimes I feel I can't take no more. And Jah sometimes seems this world has lost it's mind. Jah sometimes people can be so unkind. Everything feels so tainted and changed that all I can do not to go insane is be one with your ivory moon and indigo sky. Bathe me in your moonlight and heal me with your precious light ~ Rhian Ayanna

Yesterday I cried. Yes, that is the title of a book but I really had myself a good cry.

Then I got mad as all get out for crying. Why, oh why do things affect me so? Why was I made this way is a question I really pondered.

Now if you haven't cried in 2009 because of the recession and issues that came with it, congratulations. This year has been something. The highs and lows have been hard to keep up with but yesterday's serious drops of saline had not one thing to do with the current financial situation of the world.

Are people serious? It is one thing to know that the world has it's evil but to see it up close and personal....man! *sigh*

The person I am feels things so deeply that sleep escapes me and I feelphysically sick by things that don't affect the majority. My hearthurts so badly that I can't stand it.

All these feelings that are a part and parcel of the woman I am hit meas I got off my exit after 400 miles of open road and I couldn't catch my breath for an hour. I appreciate that Ifeel so safe at home where I can just be ME. My poor husband.....he never knows who to call at these times. He just holds me and I thank the Creator for him.

Tell me, what does one gain from saying, "Oh you're so big but I am still smaller than you." And by smaller they mean like 2 pounds. Like for real, my response will always be, "CONGRATULATIONS!"

Weight issues aside, I recently witnessed so much evil that it was hard to swallow. It is one thing to have something to be evil about but to just be ssooooooooo negative and want to bring people down hurts my spirit.

It is even more clear to me that I am cut from a different cloth. I love LOVE and relationships but I just can't do the drama thing. I knew at 19, at 29, and I'll know at 39, 49 and 59 that I am not "that chick" that will fight over a man. If you love seeing two females call each other names, do things to you to prove to you that they are better and all that nonsense then I am not your girl. I don't have the energy. And all this recycled love going on? No Ma'am, I just can't. There are way too many people in the world for a group of people to just keep "doing" each other. People die from cancer, car accidents and things way more serious than spreading their legs and getting some jabs in so Miss Mwabi will pass.

People are people but Lawd they can be so exhausting.

Words always bring me peace and something Ellen said in this month's O Magazine said everything I just attempted to articulate:

"I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules."

I wish you all nothing but peace.

When Boys Become Men

AfricanGirl — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:18:00 GMT

I was driving the other day and passed a stopped car right as a young man was being arrested.

He couldn't have been older than 18.

He was black.

You would think watching images of black men being arrested every single day would desensitize me. Isn't that their point really? To get us so accustomed to seeing it all and believe that they are bad that we eventually DO believe it?

I've got to come to my own conclusions for the sake of my sanity and my sanity means the world to me.

Driving by that day and seeing this arrest affected me in a way unfamiliar to me.

Instead of chalking it up to just another bad ass kid getting what he deserved, I wanted to stop my car, get out and give him a hug. I desperately wanted to call his mother and tell her what was going on with her baby. I didn't know him and had no idea who his Mama was but I had such an overwhelming urge to reach out to them.

I am a realist to the core.. This, I'm told could be my downfall but I am who I am. I WANT a happy ending to everything. In my mind, I would somehow figure out who he was and call his mother who would come rushing to the scene to see about her baby and show him that she is there for him and they will get through it all. But I've seen enough to know that there is a possibility that there may not be a mother in the picture at all OR if there is one at all, she may not give a damn at all about her child.

I realize that this arrest affected me in this way because my boys will be men not too many years from now. I would want to get a call from a stranger if my son needed me. I can rest my chin on the top of my sugarbaby's head and find comfort there. In a couple of years we'll look into each others eyes and then years after that, he will rest his chin on the top of my head. His entire body once fit into my arms. His hugs these days are so strong. He is growing. He is boy turning into man. Double digits are fast approaching.

Suddenly every brown teen, young man is my child. I can't help but hurt when I see how cruel real life will be to these beautiful souls.

When I see Chris Brown on Larry King right now explaining his actions that changed his whole life, I am saddened. Yes for him and the comments and scrutinity he will face forever but I am more saddened for his mother. She has to sit and watch the world hate her child. All she wants is to be there for her baby. If you want to read this paragraph and all you take away from it is that I am on a woman beater's side then go right ahead and miss my point.

Our precious children are looked at as such cutie pies when they are under 10. The very cuteness that draws people to them suddenly isn't cute anymore once they are taller and stronger. Arresting them is easy. Writing them off as menances to society is easy. Never giving them a chance to soar to their greatest heights is easy.

It scares me shitless.

I can't be by their sides forever, these wonderful brown boys of mine but I can love them with all my being and trust that we'll make it through this life with only a few bumps in the road that we will get through together.

Remembering E.Lynn Harris

AfricanGirl — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 16:36:00 GMT

I am still in shock that E.Lynn Harris died.

I'd like to say he was my buddy and we called each other at least once a day but he wasn't and we didn't. He was my friend in my head.

I can honestly say E.Lynn Harris changed my life. I don't know who recommended Invisible Life to me or how I picked it up but I was 300% in by the 3rd page. I didn't grow up having regular conversations about gay people or even knew of any. I was closed minded for sure but thankfully I didn't take that and become a homophobe or gay basher complete with bible verses. I just chose not to talk about things I didn't know about and believed in my heart as I have done from day 1 that people are people.

Just As I Am opened my mind up like a book had never done. Suddenly I was in love with a character named Kyle who I think about to this day. Kyle wasn't even the main character in the book but I felt that man like no other. And when he died.....man I cried for days.

E.Lynn Harris single handedly changed the face of African-American gay people. He put a face and story to the lifestyles that had been taboo until then. He made African-American gay people human. They weren't monsters anymore. Suddenly these were your friends and you wanted to hang out with them. He was so smart about it too. Here you were thinking you're just getting into a book but no brother man was educating you left, right, and center.

I simply loved him for it.

I love when books can do that.

Suddenly women knew that the down low was for real and knew not to ignore the signs. Some would argue that J.L King did this too but I disagree. Something about the way that man went about bringing his message to the masses rubbed the wrong way.

The picture above is of when I went to a book signing to meet E.Lynn. The place was packed. I'm laughing even writing this cause I tricked my husband into going with me. I just told him a book signing. His face was priceless when we got there and he finally looked around and realized he was the only straight man in the room! LOL. E.Lynn and I even joked about it as my husband took our picture.

I was so lucky to meet an angel for a brief moment but his books and message will live on forever.

Rest in Peace.

Flashback

AfricanGirl — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:49:00 GMT

This picture was a recurring nightmare I had for a long time as a child.

I would dream people were throwing tomatoes at me and wake up screaming.

Where my dream interpreters at?

Analyze me.

Getting to the bottom of F.E.A.R.

AfricanGirl — Mon, 25 May 2009 03:32:00 GMT

FEAR will NO LONGER be an option in my life. Believe it!

F - Frustration
E - Ego
A - Anxiety
R - Resentment

F - Face
E - Everything
A - And
R - Recover

F - False
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R - Real

F - Finding
E - Excuses
A - And
R - Reasons

F - Frantic
E - Effort to
A - Avoid
R - Reality

An Ode to Baby Mama's

AfricanGirl — Thu, 07 May 2009 12:49:00 GMT

I know for sure that if ever I get divorced, Mr. HB and I will work together to keep things stable for the boys.

I've known this since Day 1. I admire Will and Jada for their stance on this.

I'm LOVING this letter from Uncle Russey to Kimora.....let's hope this catches on. Baby Daddies, come on, come on!

To all the fathers out there, it's almost Mother's Day, so you better start thinking about doing the right thing...Flowers, dinner, breakfast in bed, tuition, something special...

Everyone knows Kimora Lee Simmons as a fashion model, author, the genius behind Baby Phat, President and creative director for Phat Fashions, philanthropist, reality television star, talk show host, top model judge…the list goes on and on. To me, she has been my partner, best friend, consultant, confidant and basically the greatest mother I could ever hope for, for my daughters. I feel so blessed to continue to have such a great personal and professional relationship with her. Every time I spend time with our girls, I credit her for giving them their manners, thoughtfulness, intelligence, beauty and kindness.

A lot of you fathers, if you look deeply inside of yourself, you will find the support system in your baby’s mama, that allows you the freedom to sleep at night. Even though you are partly disconnected from the daily process of raising your children, you can trust that she’s getting the job done. So celebrate your baby’s mama, as I do! I know damn well, I’m grateful for my babies’ mama.

Happy Mother's Day Kimora! You are loved, appreciated and celebrated!

All my love,
Russell

PSA....

AfricanGirl — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:37:00 GMT

Dear bill collectors, recession, swine flu, bad news, negativity, bad mood, racism, and everything else that can ruin a day,

YOU AIN'T GON WORRY ME TODAY, got it?

Mwabi is 33 today and is celebrating!!!!!

Pulling at my heartstrings

AfricanGirl — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:11:00 GMT

I've had the pleasure of being around wonderful kids lately.

I really do enjoy working in elementary schools.

Being a teacher never crossed my mind in the past cause my Mom has been one since before I was born and I just assumed it was her thing. Now, I'm truly considering it. I enjoy kindergarten!!!!

I've also worked with special Ed kids. Behavioral kids and kids with real needs are grouped together. The kids with real needs are so wonderful to work with, they are so sweet.

I almost cried when one kid, J earned some treats out of the treasure box. He picked a toy motorcycle and 2 pieces of candy. He turned to me and said, "this is for you and your son." I had just introduced him to one of my boys. Man!!!! Can you say SINCERE? The kindest, most honest hearts ever.

I have noticed that in each class, a "regular" kid will take on the role of a kid with special needs care taker. I go in as a sub and so won't always know what needs to be done. In class after class, an angel will appear. They know the kid's schedule to the minute. One girl, no 2 kids so far, I've seen them stop their work and do activities with the kid with special needs. I've seen hugs and genuine care. No one asks them to do this, they just love doing it!

I love seeing this. It shows me what kind of human being they will grow up to be.

I haven't really seen any teasing or straight evilness directed to these kids and it gives me hope.

I heard not too long ago on the news how parents complained about a children show's host in the UK whose missing an arm?, can't remember all the details but parents went crazy calling in and demanding she be taken off the air so she didn't scare their kids. I bet you none of the kids were scared! It always goes back to parent's projecting their fear on their kids.

Kids are curious. There is a beautiful kid at my son's school with no arms and no legs. She was even in one my boy's class one year. None of the kids have ever stopped and stared. They ask her name, ask if she needs help, and keep it moving. I've watched her grow and she is so independent. Just a beautiful gem.

Kids are here to teach us, I know this for sure.

Reading Spree....

AfricanGirl — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:32:00 GMT

I bought a gang of books back in February and I've been a reading fool since....take a looksee

I couldn't WAIT to read Something Like Beautiful by one of my favorite authors ever, Asha Bandele. She didn't disappoint. I will read it again and again. Asha's writing is so heart felt. Mothering is something special and her baby girl Nisa has taught her so much. I'm holding out for a happy ending...one day, true freedom will find them.

I finally read Alek Wek's memoir and wow, she is so humble. I love that even now after all the fame, she is still so down to earth. Did you know that she had a terrible skin condition most of her life. She got the lesson early, innner beauty is vital! She was called ugly and made fun of for a very long time. She most definately doesn't rely on pretty.

A read the book jacket of A Piece of Cake a while back and mentally added it to my list. Whoa. Cupcake Brown has had quite a life! This is yet another awful story of foster care gone bad. Think Antoine Fisher. Right now things aren't looking good for black women as foster mothers, damn! Can we get one success story? The problem is that most people are in it for the money and well why wouldn't they be when it is advertised this way? If I wasn't married to an ogre I so would be a foster mom, a good foster mom! Anywho, Cupcake ends up in foster care after her mother dies and her life goes downhill, prostitution, drugs, steling, gangs, you name it. But she gets her life together and becomes a lawyer. Go girl! She writes as she talks, it was a fun read. Reminded me of Tam. Unfortunately the book came out right after James Frey fiasco so some questioned if her life was real.....um, we's black, we ain't got time to make up sob stories, we live it! And she had a lot of people to back her up.

I met Rebecca Walker at a women's conference I used to be involved in and she was real cool. This was back when her first memoir came out. I heard she had a second memoir, Baby Love and made a mental note to get it. Then all hell broke loose with her mama. It was a good book, a lil sad but good. It is pretty much written in a journal style from the day she finds out she is pregnant till after she gives birth to her Tenzin.

I also got the book she edited, One Big Happy Family cause Asha is in it. It is a book of essays on different kinds of families.

An advantage on working for one of the larges book sellers is that gems come across your path that you would have never heard of. In this case it was Space Between the Stars by Deborah Santana. Another memoir, I know. I loved this book. Her quiet power reminds me so much of myself. At the time of the writing she was Carlos Santana's wife, they have since divorced. She is working on a second memoir. I was highly annoyed by the cheating in the book and the excuses, seriously, is boning that important? I'll never get it!

I've loved Edwidge Dandicat forever. I love that she writes about culture in such a personal way. I've been meaning to pick up Brother, I'm Dying and finally did. I'm reading it now and taking my time. I want to savor each word.

I came across I Was Told They'd Be Cake by Sloan Crosley and heard all these good reviews. I am working on a book of essays and wanted to see what was out there. Haven't read this one yet.

7 books from end of Feb till mid April...not bad.

A message to me

AfricanGirl — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:56:00 GMT

Lately the boys have been saying, "I'm going to take your happiness" as they wrestle and play with each other.

I don't know where they heard this but it has me thinking.

So many people thrive off of taking away other's happiness. For what? Just so they can feel better about themselves.

I encouraged my boys to give happiness and never take away someone's happiness. It is not worth the trouble.

Another running theme lately is forgiveness.

I caught a showing of Sex and the City movie the other night and a scene that really seeped into my noggin was the one when Miranda stalks Carrie after their fight at Valentine's Day dinner...Miranda is waiting for Carrie outside her apartment in a cab. When Carrie gets in, Miranda apologizes again and Carrie says, "You're asking me to do in 3 days what you haven't done in 6 months!" Carrie is referring to the situation with Steve. He cheated and begged for forgiveness and Miranda would hear no parts of it. Miranda says, "They're not the same thing" and Carrie says the best line ever....she says, "IT'S FORGIVENESS."

I really got that the other night. Situations are different but forgiveness is forgiveness. Love is love. Happiness is happiness.

Something is happening lately, I'm being spoken to and it feels good to be listening and receiving the lesson.

Peace to you.

Goings on

AfricanGirl — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:08:00 GMT

See the chick above? Well add some melanin and locs to the equation and you've got me these days.

I'm subbing, working on my book and just launched this new website.

And being Wifey and Mama and building my African PR agency.

I'm slipping on the daily blogging, remember when I always had something to say?

Stay tuned folks...this African girl is on the come up.

Instant vintage

AfricanGirl — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 15:49:00 GMT

My cousin just sent me a picture she had of me and my siblings from back in the day. This had to be the mid 80's. I love it and I'm loving my pose. It cracks me up cause my niece poses this same way and she is so the business!!!!

I also love how confident I look. This put me in such a good mood. I love my family.

So can you spot moi?

The silly shit men do....

AfricanGirl — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:22:00 GMT

I'm in my favorite bookstore with a pile of magazines, and books, sitting in my comfy chair with Goapele on my itouch, blackberry near by, just enjoying my Friday and going out of my way to ignore the fears in my head.

Straight chillaxing.

2 and a half hours later and I'm on my way out the door praying that I don't get shot at since just yesterday someone was gunned down in this very parking lot *sigh* when SCHREECH I see this displayed right at the front of the store:

Wait a minute. What is this?

You can't blame these folks for seeing how successful Elizabeth Gilbert's book was and give you the male side. The title says it all, huh? I just wish they would have let us have something just for us women..oh well. Eat, Pray, Love was such a wonderful read for me and it kinda sorta bothers me that this has been done something so sacred BUT imitation is the best form of flattery, no?

Anywho I did some research and it seems this book is a parody of sorts...sounds interesting but I'm not reading it. And it is fictionalized...I guess James Frey taught somebody something.

Some dude named Brian read it and said this:

Drink, Play, F@#k… concerns Bob Sullivan, a thirty-something New York businessman who’s wife of eight years leaves him for another man. In an effort to rid himself of the pain this caused, Bob decides to quit his job and spend a year cavorting around the world. His trip is divided neatly into three, four-month jaunts - to Ireland, where he drinks heavily, to Vegas where he plays everything from craps to golf, and to Thailand where he, well…you can read the title.

Bob establishes up front that his true love in all of this, his metaphor for life if you will, is the roulette wheel. So much so that the book is divided into 38 small chapters - twelve in each country, plus two introductory chapters (the zero and double-zero). I’ve always liked books that are organized this way - you can pick them up, read an entire chapter, and walk away feeling like you accomplished something in less than five minutes. Not that I put this book down too many times…

Before you think I’m gushing just because I got a free copy of the book, I should tell you that my hopes were not high in the beginning. The first twelve chapters (Ireland) were supposed to be about drinking. As it turns out, only eight of them were. The other four were rants about Bob’s ex-wife, intended to explain to us just how hurt and pissed off he was about his wife’s infidelity and general whininess. One of them is even dedicated to clarifying that his wife is not the “evil, crazy bitch” that the other three chapters clearly show her to be. The other eight chapters were indeed about drinking, but that’s really about it. Bob drinks with a redhead named Giovanna. He drinks with his friend Colin. He drinks in exotic locations. And while he’s drinking, well, not much happens. I was beginning to think that the entire book was going to be a plotless platform for this fictional guy to bitch about his cheating ex-wife.

Then Bob went to Vegas. Here, me meets his “guru,” Rick, and together, they have several, honest-to-goodness adventures. There are the requisite “win a lot of money” and “lose a lot of money” stories that you’d expect from a Vegas trip, but also some clever bits on a golf course and even a helicopter ride with a hot waitress in the Grand Canyon (want to know more? Read the book!). By the time Rick sends Bob off to Thailand to get laid, I was thoroughly hooked.

In Thailand, as promised, there is plenty of sex. But along the way, the adventures continue. Bob meets some interesting characters, not all of which turn into sexual conquests, and eventually redeems his Ireland stories with a nice tie-in to the first section that I won’t reveal here.

Oh men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMERIKKKA

AfricanGirl — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:44:00 GMT

Amazing, isn't it? In 2009 even after history is made, we still have this. Oh well at least it is out in the open.

A Mayor sent this out!

And they keep saying we are over reacting.

My First Lady ROCKS!

AfricanGirl — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:21:00 GMT

And my PRESIDENT knows this maaaannnn!!!

She looks gorgeous.

Fierce!!

AfricanGirl — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:17:00 GMT

You all know about the African Drag Queen, right? My excitement is bananas!!!

Isn't Christian Sariano the biggest break out star to come out of Project Runway? Dude is everywhere. Commenting on Chris and Rihanna, showing his collection at Fashion Week. You know, the usual.

I'll stop asking questions now.

Seriously though, do you even hear of the PR winners? I haven't heard about Leanne since she won. Jay, Chloe, Kara etc etc. I have to google them hard just to see what they are up to. I did see Santino on RuPaul's Drag Race. But Christian, just turn left then turn right and there he is. On Fashion police shows, morning shows, designing a shoe for Payless, collection for Puma, red carpets...you name it.

And of course the collection shown at Fashion Week was all kinds of fierce!

And she's back!

AfricanGirl — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 22:27:00 GMT

Did you miss me?

I lost my blog mojo for a hot minute but I'm back baby.

I got so sick of relying on folks so I just went ahead and set this up all on my lonesome. What do you think? Like the design?

Man it has been a while. Happy New Year. It is almost March already. Time flies when we get older huh?

I can see the double 3's on my horizon and it is tripping me out cause I feel like I just turned 30.

When we left off I was at the temp job working 60 hour weeks and sleeping. Work and sleep were my norm for quite some time. Now your girl is a bona fide sub at the brown boys (they have convinced me not to call them sugarbabies anymore) school. Peep this: the other day they were both talking bout "Mom you're overprotective!" and the lil fools proceeded to give me examples! *hmph* So I looked right at them and said:

WELCOME TO YOUR LIFE!

LOL

I enjoyed a wonderful Girl's Nite Out with the Ladies on Friday and we went out to dinner then caught Guy Torry doing his thing. Fun times!

Valentine's was cool. I can't believe Mr. HB and I have been on this journey since 1995!

Thanks for checking on me. I's here and I's happy just look.

Welcome

AfricanGirl — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:40:17 GMT

Welcome to my blog. Please check back soon for new entries.